Some things that exist that shouldn’t.

  • Wobbly tables. We can regulate diabetes, remedy anaphylactic shock and help find people eternal and perfect spouses but we can’t find a way to keep my laptop from sliding around the table while I type?
  • Cover letters. If you think about it, the time you take to read a cover letter is wasted when you totally know you’ll want to hire me or not after personally meeting me for at least 1.5 minutes.
  • Embarrassment. I myself never declared to be a non-human so sorry for snort-laughing, never having had a boyfriend and burping like a dude.
  • Ticketmaster. I’m obviously not over being overcharged ever since that BSB concert (aka my whole life) but seriously, there has to be a better way to enjoy art and not feel like I’m attending an auction or being mugged willingly.
  • 5 dollar foot longs. You can’t really “save” the other half for dinner  (and who eats leftover subs)? Less is more and it’s about 6 inches too much more.
  • *Enter musical references pertaining to Creed, Nickelback, Tool. (poor guys–and by guys I mean my ears).
  • 24hr drive thrus. I’m mainly concerned of what goes on from 2:30am-5a.m and how nobody essentially is ordering 12 chicken soft tacos between those times because that’s just unimaginable…
  • Eat this and not that lists. My childhood love for donuts has not been the same and so my adulthood is very much so affected.
  • The fact it’s permissible for some people in America to not have health insurance. I know, I’m a broken record on this issue, but without health insurance, I shall remain broken.
  • 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. If I wanted my hair to feel knotty and essentially more unconditioned, I’d use my bar of soap.
  • Irony. But only in the form of food like pairing a diet coke and nuggety chocolate bar. Just go all out or grab the nearest apple and be really sad.
  • 5 year high school and/or college reunions. The only thing this gives me enough time to accomplish is noticeable weight gain and the solidification of my single marital status.
  • AND ants. No follow-up necessary.