W A N D E R I N G | W E E K E N D

W A N D E R I N G | W E E K E N D

W A N D E R I N G | W E E K E N D

9.1-9.3 // 1. Labor day BBQ calls for a couple of things. For me: cupcakes. 2. After what felt like hours upon hours, success came in the size of two dozen mini Blue Moon cupcakes! 3. A friend of mine caught fresh halibut and what you see is the best orange infused baked fish dish I’ve ever feasted on. 4. My friend’s sweet backyard wonderland. Lights lit and conversations flooded the air. 5. An anticipated need-to-be-productive Labor day (irony) was aided by a home-cooked breakfast.

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Thankful

I’m thankful for the rarity but reality of an 8 hour deep sleep. I’m thankful for rest that is adamant. I’m thankful for the sound of the planes in the middle of the day, afternoon and night and even when I’m in my backyard reading—and reading itself, for it uncovers longing, familiarity and adventure. I admit though, the sound of the planes competes with your voices/texts/tweets and for that I am also thankful for. I am thankful for refreshing new company, renewed old company and the blood and heart both have seem to interwoven in my spirit that creates a sigh of uninterrupted joy.

I’m thankful for childhood albums and before and after photos. My have we’ve grown a lot all the while not very much at all. And my have we’ve also perhaps grown apart. But I’m thankful for lingering hugs and elongated sentences when we do correspond. I’m thankful for letters written and received, conversations with coffee-colored steam or just a short walk by what now has been my frontyard’s subtle sea. I’m thankful for invitations to dinner parties, gatherings and wedding celebrations and long tables and lit lamps outdoors that spur community, creativity and the occasional cocktail or three.

I’m thankful for surviving not just trials and tragedy, but other people. I’m thankful for relationships. Close and distant, near or far, and one still to be discovered–how it still challenges the heart with the same mystery. I’m thankful for feeling and curiosity. I’m thankful for healing and for warm and prayerful hands who have led me away from a cold spirit (the kind that is deathly). I’m thankful for honesty that soothes and hurt that sharpens, how interchangeable they can be and how changeable I myself can be. I’m thankful for change. The kind  in my heart and even in my pockets.

I’m thankful for the overall steadiness of an acknowledged blessed life filled with family, friends, faith and even food. Yes food. I’m thankful for family who pays for expensive face cream, friends who make you blended smoothies and faith that endows me with grace-laced perspective. And I am thankful that the simplicities that uproot all intricacies are not faced by myself and only me. I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit who goes on behalf of me when I fail, when I flee and when I’m fed up. Thankful to be led by unrelenting power, amidst undeniable life circumstances alongside thankful’s creator Himself, Jesus Christ.

The time is ripe for look…

The time is ripe for looking back over the day, the week, the year, and trying to figure out where we have come from and where we are going to, for sifting through the things we have done and the things we have left undone for a clue to who we are and who, for better or worse, we are becoming.

Frederick Buechner 

W a n d e r i n g | W e e k e n d

8.25-8.27

8.24-8.26 // 1) Brunch date with my mentor from home at To The Point Cafe where I enjoyed my usual and favorite combo of over easy eggs and toast. Oh and the rosemary butter was delicious. 2) Enjoyed some music at a Milk + Honey benefit & some PBR (purposefully not pictured). 3) Let’s just say, my first time at the Cat Lounge, I reigned as pool champion by way of 8 ball, corner pocket.  4) Spent a great Sunday with some great people at Coronado’s Concert at the Park. 5) Grilled chicken on a baguette, aioli and frites at Blue Boheme in Kensington. 6) One of my favorites when it comes to the company I keep. 

w a n d e r i n g | w e e k e n d

08.17-19 (CLICK)

1) Enjoyed a friend’s visit from home over lunch at Raglan. Say hello to this grilled ahi and slaw on sourdough bread. 2) Did my first music piece for Relevant Magazine on this rad band, So Many Wizards at Soda Bar, sponsored by Sezio. 3) My lovely roomies & Nicole supporting me and looking real fly. 4) Saturday was spent laying on the grass and staring at the perfect sky. 5) My first official Ortiz’s California Burrito since moving back down to San Diego. How sweet the sound–of my inhaling of such delicacy. 6) It was a scorcher on Sunday so my roomies had a water fight in our backyard while I wrote in the shade and grunted..and took photos of them.

A Romantic

There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing good, true love. I don’t see it often, but during the handful of times I do, I’m reassured and rested in the story God has so configured and arranged for us, for me.

And because I’ve been close to such good story, I’ve had the opportunity to write a toast for a very good friend of mine’s wedding. A day where all things point to completion and also contemplation. All that to say, below is the speech I wrote which has found it’s way to infiltrate my current thought life in a way that says YES to the things I doubt and no to the things I anxiously and dangerously crave.

For as long as I’ve known M, I’ve known the word strong. The kind of strength that doesn’t boast, that doesn’t pry and that doesn’t seclude. But the kind that’s legible like a good story you love to hear and want to be reminded of over and over again.  Or the kind that’s contagious like her laughter (or laughter itself) so that when you are around it, you feel utterly joyful. The strong that is remarkably not afraid to be vulnerable, with fault or ironically, to be alone.

 For as long as I’ve known G, I’ve known the word protector. It’s by his grasp of knowledge of both the human mind and the holy heart, by his sass fused with kindness and by his patience and aspirations, that G has proved to be the beyond suitable and a true protector of the past, present and future of my best friend, M. 

CS lewis says it best concerning this kind of love I witness before me when he states that

The Inventor of the human machine (God) was telling us that it’s two halves, male and female were made and meant to be combined.

And I so believe that because without M—without strength, protection is incomplete. Just the same, without protection, without G, strength seems kind of foolish. But together, when combined, these two things become a force you cannot interrupt and  refuse to ever withhold, because you want to share this kind of love, give truth to it’s fanciful shadows…all because it’s fruition, a completion of love itself…and all in the form of a man and his wife. Paradoxically, of Christ and his Church.

To the man and the wife, who have been the languishing patients for  proper and patient love. May there be calm in the unknown, comfort in solitary, victory in hardship and may there be of course, the endless reminder that He who created that extravagant idea of true love is as real as the flesh that stands beside you today and forever.

Look at the what the light did

I like the way the light hits through the window when it’s 3 pm. It’s anxious I can tell to reach my face, but I hide under stacks of to-dos that have nothing to do with being responsible, but rather, responsive. I keep x-ing boxes of inquiries because I don’t think I am called to coordinate unorganized people or walk your dog, but  I am called to organize the coordination of prayer, talent and the timing that is my person. It’s hard to tell what timing is when I hide under stacks, but I guess 3 o clock is a good indicator that there isn’t much time left so maybe I should stop eye-flirting with my fellow coffee shop dweller and start flirting with the submission of resumes and creation of cover letters.

But then again, maybe not, because time, when measured well is abundant.

If I could live off my declaration of independence from ever having a 9 to 5 I would be a happy woman. Maybe happy isn’t the right word, but I’d for sure be the woman I think I’m meant (hate that word) to be. I would also just be happier if all the Bloody Marys I consumed were free. But my vices advise me to drink and be merry and to get to know the people around me and to invest wholly and honestly. So I have, will and am learning how to continue that specific calling and also afford a crown for my tooth*.

Yet still there is a tension in my bones of late.  Thankfully it is quickly remedied with the fact Jesus is faithful and that my thankfulness is thankfully not as fickle as I am. Because as I live, and breath and sip this espresso, I’m completely at a lost for words why I get to sit here and shout my dreams while landing safely in a home built upon peace, hope and immense love. I also have come to grips (while we’re getting personal) with that fact this has become my one and only diary, so please lock it back up after you eavesdrop this solo coffee date I’m having.

I hope a lot of things, but I’m hopeful about much more. And today as I catch the light retracting from it’s attempts to reach me, I all of a sudden am vying for it’s attention hoping for a tomorrow filled with more grace and patience. And though it feels like the light is well out of my reach, I know Faithfulness will bring me an opportunity to hid or show my face. So I’m challenged to be honest with the expressions I display–even if it communicates I want to hide. Because things are so good. And goodness should be displayed and expressed. Like how the light shines through the window this time of day. And this reminder is for solely me, though meant for us both.

*Previous post shall explain my dental reference.

I forgot Jesus was my Comforter because my mouth freakin’ hurt.

I like, I need, I want, I choose. Four different prefaces we often jumble to equate one value, and when in honest perspective, each make us very different kinds people.

I like coffee. I need friendship. I want unlimted data for my phone. I choose to follow and trust Christ. What a scale of varying desires and what a responsiblity I have to embody as I serve as the gauge of these very things that can make or break my day. Or in this case, my back molar.

This call to responsibility is ever so present since perspective itself has come to mind as of late due to a recent root canal that has bestowed me with it’s annoying and painful presence. Some of you might feel bad for me while others might think I’m greatly blessed (and couldn’t care less because you know worse pain) BUT the point is, there is a lesson somewhere between the cursing of the sky and the crying of the face that I want to surely make note of.

Already I can tell you, when my perspective if off, I’m WAY off. And I forget about Jesus as my comforter because my mouth freaking hurts. 

Like most of us who know when we are about to sneeze was my inconsolable desire to have a really good cry during this dental drama. I’m regretfully regretting my baby cries by way of this blog, but here it is and here I am, so bear hug me man.

As I sat in my living room waiting for my third dentist appointment (in 36 hours) to finally get my root canal, hands cupping the left side of my mouth and hair tied in a greasy high bun, the initial subtle dampness below my eyes trickled and turned into the inevitable and long awaited flood. Relief and clarity sprang up and holy perspective revisited my understanding. It is SO easy to get into a posture of self-pity when you’re in pain and feel weak. In addition, it’s even easier when you don’t have insurance or your mommy, lover or bff  around to take care of you. All of a sudden, a bummer of a circumstance is propelled into a lens of ultimate pity turned anger turned river of tears. Enter the visual I painted so humbly for you.

Suffering is hard, but this all challenged me to become more acquainted with suffering well–because when we do, we are bound to forego all that other stuff that involve things like forgetting Jesus. When we suffer well, our focus is on our Comforter more than our discomfort. When we suffer poorly, essential tools turn into a bad thing. In my case, independence was branded by loneliness. Absurd questions came into play such as “how come I have to do this all myself?” when really, it was simply a poor question asked by a poor spirit.  The challenge lies in the awareness and action to make certain that ( in my case) independence would  lead to a final dependence on God and not resentment in my solitude–in my aloneness but fulfillment in his peace, his presence.

And though this is a pretty sad scenario, and I do think we are allowed to be sad, the ultimate sadness is actually forgetting the ultimate Comforter when we find ourselves with such a poor stature which is the inevitable poor spirit. This kind of spirit is forgetful, it’s jealous and it’s really angry. It’s stuck. That how you know when you don’t suffer well I think. And in no way does this spirit welcome the kind of healing that it necessary for relief and clarity to enter.

I’d like for this pain to go away. I need this pain to go away. I want  pain to go away. I choose to let God take care of this pain. When I rely on the first three, I’m the kind of person who kicks and screams and forgets and gets stuck. When I’m the last, I’m the kind of person who knows comfort and suffering is a hand in hand kind of thing.

To You It May Concern,

I’ve had the pleasure to know you, to hear your heart, to feel your lows and to celebrate your highs. And this came blatantly to tangible fruition recently as I entered the next chapter of my life in celebration with you beside me. Whether by presence, by words, by prayer or simply by that one conversation we had in that one enclosed space for what felt like at least the afternoon, you are my concern and I’m thankful for you.

Your friendship has been a goodness that I’m learning that gives me courage to unclench my fist around the things I thought I was protecting my whole life. Around the things I didn’t trust anyone with, until you showed me that heavy hands are not meant to be in bondage nor that freakin’ heavy.

You are wiser than me in ways I lack and I more than you in yours, and the wisdom that intertwines our dialogues have woven in me bridges of humility, challenge, and well, a lot of lofty and powerful metaphors concerning the intricacies of my insides all to reach the heart of my heart that have essentially healed me with freedom to. just. be.

And that has been the kind of heavy I’m learning to cling toward. The weight that does not drag but drives.

So thank you for the space you create with your affirming head nods, your discreet you know better than this look in your eyes, your insistent posture of honesty and anti-bullshit, your vulnerability that sharpens my own vulnerability and simply your friendship and love that pours into my life at the speed of what feels divinely guided and grandiose.

To you, this may concern.

 

/t

24 things I despise knowing at 24 on the cusp of 25.

  1. It’s super hard to get out of a traffic ticket when the policeman is on the passenger side and your turtleneck is a turtleneck.
  2. E-Harmony ended up being SO not for me, which furthers my whole notion that love don’t cost a thing.
  3. When doing your taxes, make sure you a. have a friend who is an accountant and b. can receive picture messages, and Turbo Tax will be a c. cinch.
  4. A lot of your friends, if they were once believers, will not be currently. Try and choose/embody anything over judgment but live the gospel clearly and confidently.
  5.  You need fiber and protein in your diet people. And potato chips will go to your hips. And take up residency insistently.
  6. Coffee after 3pm makes not-so-young-Tracy super wired.
  7. It’s possible to not have loved at all the first quarter century part of your life.
  8. When I make money and when I don’t, anything free is my eternal flame, and I, a moth.
  9. It’s been three years since I stayed up all night, ate fro yo twice in one day and freaked out because there was a cap and gown on my head/body.
  10. My parents are starting to learn from me. GULP.
  11. All my other friends have a great advantage in stealing my desired baby names because they are likely on their second child.
  12. Dating a 20 year old is now REALLY out of the question.
  13. Every time I’ll say when I was younger, it could mean, “When I was twenty-one…”
  14. I’m one step closer to being the age that it’s weird to talk about Bieber and iCarly, even in a mocking way.
  15. It’s too late to consider a career as a ballerina, dancer, ice skater.
  16. That the list I concocted that I declared I’d accomplish before 25 will have to be altered to “Things I Must Accomplish Before I’m 30” so my expectations might just be met.
  17. I’m practically 30 now.
  18. I’m closer to the goal and self expected minimization of activity on Facebook.
  19. My Point Loma student ID has now lost its value for discounts at the cinema.
  20. Being a dreamer who also can pay rent is a better idea more than ever.
  21. Another year means a growing bridesmaid dress collection.
  22. Life changes don’t mean us going to different colleges, but means us getting married, moving out of state, changing churches and perhaps depending on phone calls that somehow must suffice every Columbus Day…
  23. This life fact: you’ll never know where life itself going. But it’s forward, if you keep these things: positivity, prayer and patience.
  24. That I’m on the cusp of twenty-five.