We Pack, We Unpack

Marked with emotions that have been best expressed in solitude, this month has been  both trying and treasured.

From conversations with best friends, family, pastors and with that one big tree in my neighborhood, I’ve gathered enough information to conclude that I am first and foremost loved and cared for.  No newsflash, but a memory that has seeped away into my consciousness making it difficult for me to acknowledge it as often as I should.

When change is subtle, at it’s height it’s incredibly emotional. I can’t tell if this change is subtle or not, but everything surrounding it does not feel that way. Then again, I’ve cried at the most obscure times this past month, SO I actually can tell.  I feel with this change comes this greatest responsibility–and that is to be responsible for myself. It helps I guess that my mom has been reminding me that I will have to buy toilet paper now and that I should stop at stop signs because the tickets are almost 300 dollars to date. God bless her heart. Folks, these are signs of when a momma lets her child go out into the wild. And the wild it is, because moving out (sans the college and abroad trips kind) is wild. Like unknown, make your own food, pay for toilet paper, wild.

The reality of it all though vast has framed my life in a way that is notably influential. And to have the power of affecting others (and more so myself) is a power that has turned out to be incredibly fragile. Yet whether heavenly or hellish, my roller coaster heart is truly on it’s way to  finding an altitude of acceptance and peace all beheld by a stubborn risk.

And since circumstances change so often, I suppose what this all really is, is the battle of the flesh and the bone inside of me functioning and living out these  systematic meets abyss-like changes gracefully and well. Things change. We pack, we unpack. So in this process of packing my things, thoughts of my source of strength unravel and I see a God that has remained throughout all circumstances and transitions. I’m simply moved to meditate on His faithfulness, because throughout all my roller coasters of emotions, of relationships, of dreams–of all the change, is the steadfastness and faithfulness of God.

This month has easily propelled me towards this prayer for June and beyond.

That God’s faithfulness—whatever, however, whenever it decides to be the obvious and blatant truth that it is, may it be unrelentingly attached to my spirit and be ahead, before and beside me.

The F Word

Fear has been known to some to be the heart of love, but for me, it has been the heart of decision-making.

A quote recently humoured me while also provoking me to take into account it’s very true sentiment:

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

During this crucially mysterious season of life, I am corraled into this thought. I am blatantly guilty of being swung and sired into the thought that fear has precedence over me, while my faith is simply unavailable for the taking.  I am so dizzy. And my decisions are hesitant to declare itself final for they are fickle, all because of fear.

Often, I look for lofty and pretty quotes to help keep my stress, worry and fear away since I easily let worry lead my fear instead of allowing Prayer to be the keeper of my being. So often that it’s gotten to a point where I know when my prayers are rushed and inauthentic, and it’s a dark moment. But this dark moment is to be had, to be experienced all to realize the importance of recognizing it and countering it with authenticity, with light. Patience is important too, because hurry definitely kills prayer and consequently revives worry.

Since fear and worry are BFFS, they can be very strong. They know each other well and they are unstoppable when paired together. They stay up late and rest is seldom to be had. And I am in the presence of this harmful bond and know I need to extract myself from such environment.

For I desperately need rest, to gain stability and a clear mind. And so  these ever faithful questions arise:

What do I fear?

&

Can God conquer that fear?

When it comes to my responses, the former has countless answers effected by countless variables while the latter remains the same. I am in awe at the cycle I partake in when it comes to this.

Fear, worry, pray, rejoice. Fear, worry, pray, rejoice. Fear, worry, pray, rejoice.

How I long to just pray and rejoice. I despise to be that kind of believer who declares one thing and lives out another–expectedly…routinely even! Yet a greater awe lies in my Helper, my Maker. For my dizziness is relieved by His stillness, my hurry by His calm, and my flawed cycle by His perfect plan.

All the while a new fear is unearthed…

What do I fear? That I will forget the above.

Can God conquer that fear? A resounding YES. 

To believe in God is one thing, but to trust that God will protect, direct and provide for you is another.

So may we be people, who are unswingable.